Ask Jim

Question: Why are children so insensitive to lonely parents, widows, and widowers? When my friends get together that is all I hear, “The kids? Oh, they’re so busy! No time for Mom.”

Answer: Married children who don’t have time for their parents are a common problem, causing pain to many parents—especially widows and widowers. The feelings of neglect and rejection are deep hurts for those who have invested so much in their children while bringing them up.

One of the underlying causes of neglect of older parents by their married children is failure to see their parents as needing something from them. Parents continue to be seen as the strong ones who are able to take care of themselves and who need nothing from the children and adults often still see themselves as children in this context. Even if the parent is a widow or widower, the natural reaction of the child is to be in the role of receiver, not giver.

Married children may avoid their parents because mother and/or father still continue to “parent them” in a way they find upsetting. Ideally, parents and children should evolve gradually a relationship of mutuality where each one can give and take from the other. The focus, then, is not so much on parent and child as on friendship.

Question: Our daughter is a practical nurse, twenty-five years old. Her girlfriends are gradually getting married, and she’s sure she’s never going to find a boyfriend — so she has bouts of depression. It gets me down, as I don’t know what else to tell her anymore. She’s really a cute kid and a lot of fun when she’s in a good mood. How can I deal with this?

Answer: Your deep concern for your daughter is beautiful. Are you, however, subtly communicating to her that you don’t think she’s very strong; that she can’t face this problem and get through it? She can—even though she may never find a boyfriend and marry. Your daughter undoubtedly has a lot of strengths. This is evident by her achieving her licensing as a practical nurse and, I assume, living successfully on her own. Both you and she must gain an attitude that people can live full, happy, creative and rich lives while single. Happiness is not exclusively dependent on being married.

When your daughter gets down and discouraged, try not to get too frightened or worried. Encourage, support, challenge and even confront her, but do not feel sorry for her as if she were a “poor thing”. Listen to her, but do not feel that you must solve the problem. Be a resource to whom she may come and unload what’s bothering her, but try to avoid taking the burden upon yourself. While it does hurt you, she is capable of living with it and solving it. You will help her the most by allowing her the freedom to do just that.