Ask Jim

Question: Why are children so insensitive to lonely parents, widows, and widowers? When my friends get together that is all I hear, “The kids? Oh, they’re so busy! No time for Mom.”

Answer: Married children who don’t have time for their parents are a common problem, causing pain to many parents—especially widows and widowers. The feelings of neglect and rejection are deep hurts for those who have invested so much in their children while bringing them up.

One of the underlying causes of neglect of older parents by their married children is failure to see their parents as needing something from them. Parents continue to be seen as the strong ones who are able to take care of themselves and who need nothing from the children. Adults, however, often still see themselves as children in this context. Even if the parent is a widow or widower, the natural reaction of the child is to be in the role of receiver, not a giver.

Married children may avoid their parents because mother and/or
father still continue to “parent them” in a way they find upsetting.
Ideally, parents and children should gradually evolve a relationship of mutuality, where each one can give and take from the other. The focus, then, is no longer so much on the parent/child relationship, which may have been the problem, and they can work on their friendship.

Ask Jim
% Care Ministry
12141 Lewis St
Garden Grove, Ca 92680