Yes— It Can Be Hard
continued from Page 1
In reality, “going into hard places” is seldom as difficult as feared.
Here are a few of the Hard Places we are concerned with:
- Hospice, and other persons with a terminal Illness.
- Conspicuous disability, handicaps, amputations, disfigurements.
- Divorce, job loss, arrests.
- The death of a loved one. The death of someone’s child. Suicide.
- Contacting a long neglected friend or family member.
- Talking with strangers.
- Attending funerals.
I would like to comment about each of these in ways that may help you move into places that have intimidated you and made you reluctant to approach them.
1. Hospice Patients and other Persons with Terminal Illness: Drawing close to such is a very loving act. Reluctance may be the inner expectation that I, the visitor, need to say something spirit-lifting, or that will at least give the sick one a different outlook or point of view. It is the notion that I should fix them a little. Such an agenda causes well-meaning people to stay away. They feel they cannot measure up to that assignment. Trying to do that is the wrong thing to attempt. Abandon all ideas that you must say something helpful.
Here is where the wise saying "90% of Helping is Just Showing Up" must be the bottom line. A warm greeting. A warm smile. A touch. Ten minutes of listening. A prayer, while holding the patient’s hand. Departure should usually be in fifteen minutes or less.
2. Conspicuous Disability, Handicaps, Amputations, Disfigurements: Do not avoid these folks, or the condition you see. Most of the time it is wise to ask about such obvious issues, e.g., “How did you lose your arm?”. We should not sit or stand with someone with a very noticeable life challenge and continue to act like it isn’t there. We should make a practice of mentioning it and inquiring about it.
Most of these folks appreciate being asked and having an opportunity to share either how it happened or explain the nature of their disability. Approaching those with any of these life conditions may be regarded as a pleasant challenge. It is an opportunity to bless another soul with your personal interest. Once you have been told, express your appreciation and admiration.
3. Divorce, job loss, arrests: These hard circumstances happen to friends, neighbors, and acquaintances. Usually those to whom they happen feel hurt, and regard themselves as failures. None of them are impersonal. Each hits hard and knocks down those involved.
The caring person must abandon every thought of fixing these people. The idea that my visit must include wise remedial thoughts is what keeps caring folks away. Instead, our agenda can simply be, “I know you are hurting, and I feel badly about what you are going through.” That is it. And that is a lot, because most who know them are -avoiding contact. Your knock on the door and your brief words of concern are enormously helpful. Often, these struggling souls will then want to talk. Your listening, and a prayer, may be very healing.
4. The death of a loved one: These are high priority contacts. We need to discard all our inner reservations that tell us to postpone or avoid the visit or phone call. Since they 
stir a lot of feelings in each of us—our own past losses, our personal mortality, the vulnerability of important family and friends—we easily rationalize staying away. None of our good reasons can be trusted—most of them are simply enabling us to stay away from something difficult.
There is no recommended way of opening a conversation with heartbroken people. Simply name the heartache. “I hear your brother died,” usually opens a flood of words and maybe tears. What follows may be a lot of listening. Asking “what happened”, in the case of a sudden death often fits. Again, listen, resisting interruptions; also avoid asking irrelevant factual questions like “What time did it happen?” or “How old was he?”
Concluding contact in such a situation should most times focus on the sad feelings. and resist sharing conventional Bible verses, or spiritual thoughts, that try to put a positive wrap on a heartbreaking loss—those gems are being shared by everyone else. The simple words, “I’m so sorry this happened, it is so hard to lose a brother”, help most. A parting hug helps, too.
WHEN SOMEONE’S CHILD DIES: Of all deaths, losses, and grief, this one stands alone. Here, more than anywhere, we are needed. All expectations of healing, recovering, and finishing must be abandoned. The pain never ends. Our loving care must continue forever. 
SUICIDE: These are tragic deaths, commonly avoided by everybody. Survivors are left alone with an enormous amount of mixed feelings—guilt, grief, anger, sadness, frustration, heartbreak, confusion. We must enter these tragic places seeing little more than the need for giving loving support. We see the Lord as heartbroken, too, while He embraces the family and the deceased.
5. Contacting a long neglected friend or family member: This usually involves swallowing our pride and overriding anything that may have led to estrangement. Sometimes it is acting like nothing happened and assuming all parties would like to come together again. Most often the re-union snaps into place comfortably and good connections resume.
6. Talking with strangers: The best lead-in for this is to ask a favor of some kind. Most people like to help and appreciate the opportunity to lend a hand when they can. The request for help is an equalizer. It puts folks on the same level, and easily slides into conversation — and even friendship.
7. Attending funerals: This is the easiest of the hard places. Nevertheless, it is surprising how many people find excuses to stay away. There are two reasons people avoid funerals. One is that they haven’t gone through the death of a dear one, and they do not realize how much it means to the grieving. The second is that funerals and memorial services stir up distressing realities like one’s own mortality. It is safer to stay away and avoid thinking about one’s own dying.
The common remark avoiders make is that there will be so many of the family’s loved one’s present that my attendance will not be noticed. It is seldom true, and it doesn’t matter anyway.
The love that is communicated by an hour at someone’s funeral is so important that each of us must override all rationalizations that allow us to stay away.
Summary
All kinds of loving-kindness, both the easy and the hard, must be carried out without expectation of direct words of appreciation. People who receive support, interest, and encouragement do not always express their gratitude. They often do not even immediately realize that a gift has been given them. Often, time must pass before their system trickles the good feelings of thankfulness to the surface.
Most of the hard places mentioned must be approached with no thought of saying something that will make a hard thing easier, a painful situation less hurtful. Leave thoughts of fixing outside the door.
Care and kindness must be delivered from a mind that knows it is good and that it helps people. The rewards have to be self-generated from a confidence that showing love is “being the light of the world” and a necessary part of living our faith.
