Learn the RIGHT Thing to Say
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Here is another example of good intentions, poorly expressed: Recently I talked with a young mother whose six-year-old daughter had died a month earlier. The little girl had been disabled, both physically and intellectually. At age six she was still infantile in all ways.
Her mother confided to me how much she resented the words repeatedly spoken to her in the aftermath of the death. Person after person said, “Well, she’s better off now.” Hardly anyone realized how deeply this mom loved that little girl and what an empty place there now was in her life. All that the friends saw was the girl’s disability and the enormous effort it took to care for the child. They saw nothing but relief; whereas the mother was feeling devastated at losing her child.
Their words, “Well, she is better off now,” carried the message that she, the mom, shouldn’t feel so terrible because the child was now made whole and happy. They totally overlooked her attachment, her investment, her love for her daughter, as limited as she was. They projected themselves into the situation and saw only enormous hours of hard work. They failed to see a mother deeply invested in her child, now empty-handed and sorrowing, because her child has died.
The third unacceptable sentence, often shared in the wake of a disaster is, “We must remember, it was the Lord’s will.” The accuracy of those words is not the issue. That is, some may, others may not, believe the death of a child, for instance, is the Lord’s will. Either way, in the face of anguish, this formula does not fit. They do not need theology—they need compassion and understanding. They need acceptance of their tears, along with openness and empathy for their heartache.
Telling someone, “It is the Lord’s will,” is another effort to have the hurting person stop feeling so badly. The logic here is that if it is the Lord’s will, it must be good. It can’t be sheer tragedy. It must be seen in some kind of positive light, not with weeping and groaning. These words are always used in an attempt to cheer the broken-hearted or at least to help them put a positive spin on a tragedy. This is not the best way to help them.
If we change our thinking about grief, we can drop all such expressions from our attempts to help.
Here are some basic thoughts:
1. God created tears. They should not be blocked, stopped or discouraged. Never should we say to anyone directly or indirectly, “Stop crying.” Tears are good. They should be allowed and encouraged—not dried.
2. Each of us must gain the capacity to stand with a crying person and feel the lousy feelings we get when tears are flowing, without trying to get the person to stop crying. It is better to cry with them than to find ways to dry their tears.
3. Crying always will come to an end.
4. The healing of broken hearts takes time, but God always heals the broken-hearted. We can’t heal them, but God will in His time. Stand by. Be there! Walk with them. Offer touch and hugs. Say little. Avoid fixing—God will take care of that.
What is good to say?
“It hurts to lose a Mother.” Or, “This is so terribly sad.” Or, “Go ahead and cry. It is good to cry.” Or, perhaps it is better to not say anything—just hold the person, or sit and listen actively.
It doesn’t hurt to ask the obvious question, “How are you feeling?” But it is better to make a statement than to
ask a question. Putting it this way may be more suitable: “You must be feeling smashed.” Or, “Your heart must be in total anguish.” I find myself often saying, in the face of a death, “This is so unreal!” “It just doesn’t seem possible.”
In the past fifteen months I have been reaching out to a young couple whose fourteen-year-old daughter suddenly died. In the final analysis, only God knows for sure, but I can say the best thing I have done for them is to show up, pray with them, and maybe, above all, give them warm loving hugs.
It is hard to say nothing, so pray
Prayer is an opportunity to talk out loud to God about the heart-rending circumstances. With the young parents, my prayer to God feels also like a direct statement to the parents. It might go like this:
“Gracious God, thank you for your promises and presence.
Thank you that you have promised to be with us and with this dear family, without fail. May they know, and even feel, your support and love to them in this deep, heartbreaking time. I pray that you will keep them going, help them to manage each new difficult day without their precious child.
Thank you that they can know you are weeping with them, that your heart is breaking for them and with them. I thank you for their beautiful daughter, for her spirit, her vitality, her joy.
Thank you for her goodness in her short life. May her memory lift, a little bit, her parents and her sister. Oh Lord, surround this dear heartbroken family with your love.
In Jesus’ name.
Amen.”
“Show Up” and leave the fixing to God
Most of our clichés and well-intentioned words are all about fixing. If God’s people would stop trying to fix everybody and leave it to God when a heart is broken, healing would happen in a more timely fashion. Show up, but leave the fixing to God. The reason it is hard to stop fixing is that it means sitting in helplessness. We can replace, renew, and repair most broken things in life. Most of the time, when we face a difficulty, we can figure out a solution or a substitute. So we usually slip into that mode in the face of death, but it never fits. We must accept our helplessness. That is hard. We must do our part of being there. But, most of all, we leave the loved ones in the hands of God.
