"Weep With Those Who Weep"
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TEARS. What Do We Do With Them? My old friend, if I interpret
his behavior accurately, totally miscalculated my condition. I was loving
the memories he was sharing. I valued the tender feelings evoked. I loved
the tears welling up in my eyes. No apology was needed. The interchange
was wonderful. My tears meant “good stuff”, not injury. He had given me
a gift. The gift would have been even more precious had he stayed with
me face to face, with his own lachrymal glands pumping. Often people who
come to my office, sit down, try to talk, and then struggle in their fight
to hold back tears. They say, “Oh, I was so 
determined
not to cry. I am so sorry.” My response usually goes something like
this: “It’s okay. Tears are good. Let them flow. Tears are a gift of
God. Take your time. Cry. I love tears.”
“Don’t cry!”
We say it instinctively to little ones. We repeat it to spouses and friends
when they weep. We shout it silently to ourselves in every troublesome
crisis. “Don’t cry!” We warn; we suggest; we plead. Maybe most
of all it is a plea that arises from our own uneasiness. That is, “If
you cry I am going to start feeling mushy, crummy and out of control.
I hate to feel that way. So please don’t cry. I can’t handle it.”
Except maybe when driving a car, I can think of no time where crying is inappropriate. The “don’t cry” exhortation ought to be blotted out, erased, eliminated. The words serve no good purpose. No one should ever tell another “don’t cry.”
Sacred scripture advises us how to respond effectively to a weeping friend. St. Paul counsels “weep with those who weep.” This timeless formula deserves heeding. We rarely do it Paul’s way.
Our actions say, “fix their problem so they quit crying.” Or “quote Scripture to those who cry.” “Tell them to give their aches to God instead of crying about it.” “Give advice to those who cry.” But weep with them? Uh-uh. Rarely is wound healing done St. Paul’s way — by sitting in the dust crying with the broken hearted, or with a caring embrace, mingling our tears with hers. We want them to stop when we join them.
St. Paul knows that wounds heal from the inside. The Band-Aids of advice, quotes, and verses accomplish little more than drying up the tears. Stopping them is damming the healing process. The balm of being understood and accepted, tears and all, reaches deep. Shared tears warm the heart and aid recovery. The helping person needs to allow herself to feel the watery weakness of the wounded one to really enhance healing.
Other Ways To Weep
Literally crying with another is only one application of Paul’s guidance.
A second use of the teaching may be equally useful. The principle really
is this: get inside the other’s feelings. Feel what she feels. Avoid
standing apart. Show that you feel her distress. To put it another way,
do not move quickly to try to fix another’s problem. Hold back your remedies.
Stifle words of blame and questions about causes.
The
following is an example to illustrate the teaching: A woman arrives home
from her office and exclaims, “the air-conditioning went out in my
car on the freeway.” The response by her husband is of no help—it
totally misses any form of compassion. He says “Well, you better get
it to the shop.” She might come back with a “Duuuhhh” to those words.
Still, what he said is typical, and not unpredictable.
There is no connecting with her feelings at all. No co-weeping here, just a completely obvious piece of advice she didn’t need. Simple, minor, fixable dilemmas like the malfunctioning air-conditioner are helped very easily. The husband could just say, “That’s a bummer.” Or “oooh shucks.” Or “You sure didn’t need that, did you?” Or “That’s frustrating, isn’t it?”
Each of these brief retorts makes it clear that the car driver’s feelings of upset are heard, felt and accepted. No advice. No criticism. No trivializing. No humorous belittling. No requests for information. No irrelevant questions trying to fix blame. Just groans (a form of “weeping with”) — put into words that clearly fit the woman’s frustration.
The woman did not say she was frustrated or upset. Maybe her tone of voice communicated her lousy feelings. But maybe not. She may have made a simple declarative sentence with no emotion. The good listener, putting himself into the situation, can guess or sense her feelings. He speaks from what he knows he would feel, or has felt, in breakdowns like hers. He draws from his own inner history and puts into words a response that corresponds with her feelings — even though she has declared none. And she then, no doubt, will feel understood and accepted in her exasperation.
Use The “Third Ear”
I like to teach people to listen with their “third ear”. This means hearing
the feelings, even when not clearly stated or mentioned. “The air conditioning
broke…” says nothing of how she felt about it. The “third ear” hears frustration
and then puts words to that feeling. Even a groan would communicate understanding
here. “Our dog died,” includes no overt cry of distress, and yet everyone
can guess about the sadness there and emit an appropriate, “Oooh, that’s
sad.”
A Groan Helps
A groan can be a valid form of weeping with another person. So can a simple
heartfelt “bummer”. A sentence that articulates the upset or irritation
of another fits the “weeping” exhortation too: “It sounds like you are
really at the end of your rope,” is a well-spoken summary of someone’s
exasperation or despair. It feels like solid, thoughtful compassion. That
is what the “weeping with”-idea is about.
First, it is feeling sad when someone feels sad — then, secondly, finding a way to communicate your sympathetic sadness, fear, or frustration.
No one knows if you understand or are feeling badly with them. You must send a message showing you are feeling for them. You may be agonizing inside but others cannot see it. In the caring process, a statement makes it clear. Saying something like “You’re really feeling frustrated” shows you realize their feelings and do not judge them for their frustration.
Reality then is this: the most helpful response to another’s crying
is to let our own instinctive tears of empathy gush, to feel another’s
feelings and to let them know 
it.
A middle-aged woman walked into a grief-re covery group. She shared that
her reason for being there was the death of her son in a motorcycle accident.
Not many minutes had passed when another woman asked, “Was he wearing
a helmet?”
She asked the question everyone thinks. A pressure inside clamors to know if neglect of a helmet contributed to the fatal injury. Asking about the helmet is a long way from empathy, a major distance from weeping with, groaning with, or speaking words of understanding. The curiosity must be stifled because asking gets at blaming; it sidesteps a mother’s despair.
In times of emotional distress little is gained by soliciting information
about causes or who was to
blame. Help comes from a clear, caring message, whether it be tears, groans,
a touch, a hug or just showing up.
A Good Example
One of the most beloved Bible passages is Psalm 23. One reason for the
universal love for Psalm 23 is the picture of The Shepherd with the sheep.
“With” is the key word. The Shepherd walks with, accompanies, cares for
us. There is no word of fixing, solving or advising. Restoring
stands out. It sounds like the process of healing emanating from caring
companionship, loving attention, empathy and understanding.
St. Paul has a pertinent line that applies here: “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus [the great Shepherd of the Sheep].” May the spirit of Psalm 23 lead us in responding to the hurts of others.
(Next time: “Rejoice with those who rejoice”, which may be even more difficult than weeping.)
Dr. James Kok is Director of Care Ministry for the Crystal Cathedral Congregation of Garden Grove, CA. He has been an ordained minister of the Christian Reformed Church of America for 35 years. He speaks extensively throughout the United States and Canada. His hands-on work as a pastor has led to a profound understanding of the issues and dynamics of personal grief and human suffering on which he has written and spoken at length.
