Why Do We Say That?
—— Craig Bourne
“It’s God’s
will,” she said to the young mother at the funeral.
I heard her say it and wondered why God would
want to end a young life so tragically.
Was this truly God’s will?
“He’s in a better place now,” another said. I saw that the mother didn’t hear any comfort in those words. She was thinking, “…but, I’m still here, and I really miss him.”
Why do people so frequently utter clichéd or ‘pat’ responses to hurting people? There are several reasons: First, it is evidence that they feel that something needs to be said. They think that if they say something, it will make things better.
Secondly, it is easier to try to ‘help’ a hurting person get out of their pain than to enter into it with them. So they try to say the comforting word or they try to inject some humor to help the other person feel better. Subconsciously they are thinking, “If I can get her to feel better, then I won’t have to feel badly with her.”
Thirdly,
they don’t have a clear understanding of what words do in fact offer comfort.
They have heard these phrases repeated over and over in previous situations,
so they assume that these are the words that are supposed to be said.
It never occurs to them to question whether these comments are truly helpful.
Since everyone says them, they must be the right expressions of comfort
to share.
If you have been reading the Care Capsule regularly, or if you have attended the International Conference on Care and Kindness, you know that there are better ways to offer comfort. Let’s review some of the key ideas that have been presented here in previous issues.
Firstly, it is not necessary to say something in order to offer comfort and support. Remember that “90% of Helping Is Just Showing Up!” and just being there is often more important than anything you will say. Secondly, you are not helping another person by trying to get them to ‘get over it’ or to rise up out of their pain. They need to go through the pain or grief process for true healing to occur and we are called upon to “Weep with those who weep.” Yes, it does require more from us to enter into another’s sadness than it does to try to cheer them up, but we are being a better friend when we meet them where they are.
Thirdly, we need to learn better tools and better ideas than the traditional, weak, over-used ones that we have become accustomed to hearing. We strive to equip our readers through the Care Capsule with ways that they can do better at this great need to provide support and comfort to others.
The mission of the International Conference on Care and Kindness is “To Inspire, Motivate, and Equip People to Care for Others.” How equipped do you feel? Is there room for you to increase your sensitivity to words and actions that help—and not hurt?
The conference provides a wide variety of speakers and topics to help people better understand what some are dealing with, whether it be anger, or autism; miscarriage or mental illness; death or disease.
|
(714) 544-5679 – March 15, 16 and 17, 2001 – |
