In an attempt to “lighten someone else’s load”,
many people instead make light of the situation.

Words Make A Difference

——— Craig Bourne

We somehow feel that if we can remind another person of how to look at an issue positively, or if we can help them get their mind off it for a short time, we will have been helpful. Then we change the subject, make a joke of the situation, or provide a pat answer or cliché. We fail to acknowledge the feelings of the hurting person.

You have undoubtedly heard many of these responses, or perhaps you have said them yourself without realizing how they really hurt.

Below are some commonly heard remarks, followed by a much better initial response to be said by a caring person, to indicate that you are “walking with them” in their pain (followed by additional caring dialogue.)
Easy Answers
Caring Responses
On the death of a child: “God must have wanted her in heaven.” or “At least you have other children.”

 “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must really miss her.”
To a man who has just lost his job: “So you’re retired now, huh? Man, what a deal!”

 “That’s terrible. I know you really liked working for that company.”
To a woman who has just divorced: “You’re lucky to finally be rid of that bum.”

 “You’re facing a lot of new challenges. This must be a difficult time for you.”
To someone who has crashed their car: “Well, that’s one way to get a new car!”

 “Wow! That must have been frightening. Are you OK?”
To a man who has lost his spouse: “She’s in a better place, now. At least she’s out of pain.

 “I’m sorry that she’s gone. We are all missing her.”
After the sudden death of someone in an accident: “Don’t worry. You’ll get through it.”

 (You don’t need to worry about saying much at all. Just being there with them will be comforting.)
A man is worried about the challenge of high blood pressure. He says, “I hope I don’t die of an aneurysm.”: “Gosh, I hope not. I know a man who had an aneurysm . . .” and proceed to tell the story of another man who died from it. (This attempt to “identify” with the man’s problem leads to an unhappy ending. See “Check Your Story At The Door” in Care Capsule, Issue #2.)
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