Two Words to Avoid
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Crying is not one of my gifts. Tears do not come easily for me, much to my regret. I didn’t shed a tear the night my mother died when I was fifteen years old. Around me, my brothers and sisters were beautifully weeping, but I just sat there.
It was exactly twenty years later, in an experimental psychodrama, that the flood gates opened, finally. The tears were all still there, like they were waiting. And crying felt good. It assured me that my feelings were actually there, and that I did care.
Tears are still rare for me. When our children were young, we would sit together and watch “Little House on the Prairie”. Some episodes were very emotional. They would generate tears, even in me. When they did, I made sure to nudge the kids and say, “Look, tears!” I wanted badly for them to know I had feelings.
Few people are comfortable with tears, either their own or someone else’s. When they tear up, or weep, most will apologize and move away, or try frantically to dry their tears. They regard their crying as a weakness or, for some reason, embarrassing.
Most people will try to stop another’s tears, too. If, while telling about something, a man begins to cry, the listener quickly steps in to change the subject or maybe even excuse himself. Seldom is the emotion of tearfulness accepted, appreciated and affirmed by the average person.
Not long ago I went to a high school football game which was a homecoming event. Happily, I met some old friends—one I had not seen for over fifty years greeted me. He then began to talk about his memories of my mother. I loved that! I was so touched that tears came to my eyes. Then he noticed the tears, said, “Oh, I’m sorry”, and quickly walked away.
Biblical examples of the importance and power of tears
The Bible records many events where tears touched God. In Exodus 22: 27, God says, “When he cries out to me, I will hear him, for I am compassionate.”
One of the great events of history, The Exodus, was triggered by the cries of God’s people. He did not ask them to stop crying or groaning. Notice what happened: “The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help…went up to God. God heard their groaning and he remembered his promises….So God looked on them and was concerned about them.” (Exodus 2:23-25)
Then God went to Moses and told him about how the people had affected Him. “I have indeed seen the misery of my people… I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them.” (Exodus 3:7-8)
Their cries, groans, and tears touched God and moved God to do something. He did not ask them to stop crying.
Hagar and Ishmael had been banished from Abraham’s family camp. They were doomed to die. We read, “God heard the boy crying.” Then God’s angel entered the scene and said, “Do not be afraid. God has heard the boy crying…Lift the boy up and take him by the hand….” (Genesis 21:17-18)
God was touched, moved, upset by the little boy’s cries, and He rescued him from certain death, and made an enormous promise to him.
Another powerful story about tears involves King Hezekiah. He was very ill and the prophet told him he was going to die soon. The King was shattered by that news. He turned his face to the wall and wept bitterly. Before the prophet was out of the temple, God spoke to him and told him to go back. God told the prophet to tell the King, “I have seen your tears and heard your cries and I will prolong your life.” (2 Kings 20:1-6)
The bottom line here is the power of tears to touch God. The picture in many of these stories is God being moved by human heartbreak and tears. Certainly God is our model. We are moved by tears, but our reaction must be patient compassion — not escape or causing the tears to stop.
Never say “Stop Crying”
Tears are a message to be valued—God affirms this in many ways. We must be touched and affected deeply by another’s tears and resist thinking, or saying, that someone should stop crying. Remember, Jesus wept as he learned of his friend’s death. And St Paul advises us to “weep with those who weep”. That advice is centuries old, mostly disregarded, but exactly correct for caring people.
A Few Suggestions
- Accept your own emotions. Accept that your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they may cause you to feel, are important. They should be respected and valued. If there are tears, allow them to be present. Resist feeling ashamed, embarrassed, childish. Allow yourself to look hurt, upset, moved. Decide not to be controlled by how others may react. Recognize that your tears are good. They should not be stopped. They must be allowed, accepted, and encouraged.
- When you are in the presence of someone who begins to cry, recall the goodness and truth of tears. Decide to accept the tears. Decide to do nothing but allow and accept them, even though you may be feeling silently and secretly miserable, while the hurting friend sheds her tears, and shares her heartache (someone else’s tears always trigger emotions in us). Think that “tears are good.”
- What should you do or say when in the presence of someone who is tearful? Say something like this: “It really hurts.” Or merely “It is so sad.” Or just give them a hug.
- DO NOT rush for the tissue box! Tissues imply that we are urging the person to “dry up those tears.” Tissue use often resembles pushing the tears back in rather that accepting and valuing them. Smeared mascara is beautiful when it is the evidence of beautiful feelings shared.
- NEVER say or imply that someone should stop crying.
