Care Capsule
Capsules of Motivation to Dispense Care and Kindness

Volume 11 - Issue 3
No. 35
December 2009



In This Issue

Two Words to Avoid

Memo to All Kindness Ambassadors

2010 Conference Schedule

2010 Conference Speakers

Light Notes

God's Care and Kindness to Humanity

Celebration Banquet

Two Words to Avoid

—— Dr. James R. Kok

Among the many suggestions that I offer for ways to better show care and kindness, there is an important one — and it is what NOT to do. The actions I teach are largely what you can do that will be helpful to those who are hurting.

They demonstrate your willingness to step into another’s hurts and be there with them — to “just show up.” But an easy trap we want to avoid is to say to the person, “Don’t cry.” We say that because we want them to feel better. Also, their crying makes us uncomfortable; we feel like crying, too. Though we want to ease their pain and our own discomfort, these two words are ones we must avoid.

Recently a woman came to my office to talk. After she had seated herself, she paused and reached for a tissue. “Oh shucks”, she said. “I am so sorry. I had made up my mind that I was not going to cry. I am so sorry!”

“Don’t apologize for your tears,” I said in a kindly tone. “I love tears. Tears are a gift of God. When someone is crying, they are in a deep place. Let the tears flow. Take your time. When you are ready, we can talk.”

I love tears.

I honestly do love tears. When I notice them, I know we are in a deep and meaningful place. We are not on the surface or just in the intellect—we are in the heart. And I will do nothing intentionally to stop the crying. We are in a good place. Followers of Jesus who are committed to caring and kindness must add to their helping capacities this profound respect and appreciation for their own tears and everyone else’s.

There is never a time to tell another person they should quit shedding tears, or stop feeling tearful. Tears are a gift of God designed to help us. When they flow, something good is happening, not something that should be stopped or interrupted. Laboratory analysis has revealed that tears remove certain toxins from the body—different ones for different emotions. Crying can improve our health.


Dr. James R. Kok has written a definitive resource detailing the key essentials in becoming a more caring person in his latest book, “The Miracle of Kindness” (available on, in either paperback or Kindle edition.) A handful of basic tools —wrapped in courage—are the secret to changing the world through intentional acts of kindness.

As the Koach Of Kare, Dr. Kok has been a pastor at the
Crystal Cathedral for the past 25 years and heads the Care Ministry department of the church. He is the author of six books and numerous articles, and he is the founder of the
Conference on Care and Kindness, held annually at the Crystal Cathedral.

|| Care Capsule Index ||