Dare To Care
continued from Page 1

It wasn’t. I had received not a single phone call. Not one card. Not that day/week/month. Not ever.

Three months later, I slipped on black ice and broke my leg, a fact Kim also shared with the choir. This time my mailbox was filled with about 40 get well cards.

This was such a sad contrast, because I knew the Bible Church choir people to be loving, caring, kind, compassionate people, but they could only respond to the most tangible problems (though the issue of my marriage falling apart was fairly tangible to me!)

A couple of weeks later, I hobbled in to Bible Church’s Easter Cantata on crutches. I was met at the door by one of the choir members who looked at my leg and said, “Oh, Mary, you poor thing. I pray every day that your leg will heal very soon.”

I couldn’t stand it. I looked right into her eyes and said, “Cory, my leg will heal and will be as good as new. But my marriage has fallen apart and my life will never be the same. If you want to pray for me, please pray for my broken heart, because I’m not at all certain it will ever heal.”
Sincerely,
Mary

Let’s reflect on the phenomenon reported by Mary:

Sad scenario, isn’t it? There are some setbacks and heartaches kind people decide to avoid or to leave unmentioned and untouched. Their caring hearts believe it is more kind to not mention some types of hardships. But this omission causes people to get hurt in the process.

Broken bones, serious conventional illness and injuries, even tragic deaths that happen within the normal arena of disasters, like a crib death or an accidental shooting, are strongly supported by the community. But other crises and tragedies, outside the realm of the physical, are difficult for people to face when they know they should.

• Suicide—completed or attempted.
• Bankruptcy—A major personal or family crisis befuddles the caring, usually causing them to leave it alone.
• Legal problems seem too personal to mention, especially if there is questionable behavior included.
• A citation for DUI, while published in the news, carries a load of shame that kind folks most often decide should be allowed to quietly slip away into the shadows. They certainly are not inclined to ask about the penalties and costs involved.
• Marital separations and divorce, heavy with anguish, feelings of failure and sometimes betrayal and deep grief, are regularly whispered about sympathetically but rarely addressed in an act of compassion. Is it
  shamefulness or protecting another’s privacy that dictates our choosing to stay at arm’s length?
• Delinquent or irregular adult children.
• Adult dementia, shaky hands, needing a wheelchair or walker, and more such things can be added to the “do not enter” list that many people mentally carry.

Unlike a broken arm (where simply asking “What happened?” works fine), many of these subjects are delicate and require careful handling. But all are likely to be heartaches where earnest concern can work a lot of relief; where a sincere listening ear may heal and reassure a struggling soul. So every one who is carrying one of these conditions may well be ripe for a kind inquiry and a caring conversation. None of the issues should be regarded as socially unacceptable and unmentionable, overly painful and definitely off limits, or untouchable because the heartache may be too private.

Tiptoe into Delicate Arenas
No neat formulae make any of this easy. There are no set ways to open a caring conversation on an unusual or delicate subject that feels private. There is no secret answer to step in where you do not feel confident that you are welcome to enter.

Sometimes what works adequately is just tiptoeing in—or maybe even stumbling in! That is, just saying something that directly or indirectly alludes to the issue that one hopes to open may be enough. I remember meeting a mother whose son had died by suicide a few months earlier. My opening words, after a conventional greeting, were, “Your son!” Nothing more was needed. The mother teared up a little but then talked at length about how devastating his death was. As she talked, I mostly responded with an occasional word or two, keeping my eyes on her face until, with a prayer, we parted.

Recently, at an airport lunch table, I sat down next to a man in a wheelchair. He was very talkative and nothing more really needed to be added, but eventually I did say, “Well, how come you are in a wheelchair?” The answer was The Korean War, where he’d been shot. That gave me an opening to thank him for his service to our country as we departed. But it was a very blunt question that got at the obvious handicap he carried.

One cautious approach that may suit a variety of the “unmentionables” is to merely say something like “You’ve been going through a tough time.” Such a generic sentence of compassion is an invitation. The recipient cannot easily dodge it completely but can respond on the level she chooses. She can keep the contact superficial or turn it deeper. If needed, she can open her heart, or she may brush the inquiry aside.

Often a straight shot is best, like,“I read in The Press you got a D.U.I. That’s got to be difficult for you.”
Or, “How’s it going with your son?” Or, “Divorce is so painful.” Another might be, “How are you and your husband doing?” That one directly invites a known struggler to talk if she wants to talk.

Why Bother?
It is an act of love to make the effort to reach out to, or hear from someone who is carrying one of these more unusual burdens. Its aim is to lighten another’s load. When a concerned friend shows empathy and/or attentively listens to the distress shared, it lifts the spirits of the hurting person, even when many tears are flowing. Some healing happens when adversity is shared.

The motivating force is to let a hurting person know she is cared about. It is wrong and scandalous for followers of Jesus to fail to let any wounded soul know she is being prayed for, cared about. She needs to know that people are hurting for and with her, as Jesus is.

There may be few more revolting behaviors in God’s eyes than neglecting to reach out to someone with an unusual kind of injury, ailment, personal dilemma, or offense. Even when the neglect is because we are afraid of intruding; or when we feel awkward in approaching; or we lack the needed confidence. True love risks! True love sends the message that Christ cares, which is powerful therapeutic medicine.

We are obliged to enter difficult places. Followers of Jesus will endeavor to do whatever is needed, even at the cost of looking foolish now and then. Even at the cost of stumbling here and there, feeling sorely emptyhanded and helpless occasionally, or being rebuffed from time to time.

Hard work is called for and only hard work will reach the most unusual and difficult places of anguish and heartache where encouragement, support, and understanding is needed. Love often takes hard work.

Return to Care Capsule Front Page