Giving Is Easier
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Several decades later I’m still more comfortable giving than receiving.
Spare me birthday celebrations when I’m the object of attention; let me pass when awards or honors are being awarded; I’ll stay home when group photos are being shot. Even “thank you” notes make me nervous.

Perhaps there is some residual unworthiness contaminating my spirit but here’s the explanation I arrived at. (Maybe others see themselves where I am.) In giving, the giver is in control. When receiving, control is relinquished to the giver.
Most of us like control. Some need it more than others. A few are addicted to it.
Receivers are out of control in a given situation.

My control needs contribute heavily to the unsettled feelings I get when being appreciated, honored or just plain offered a gift. I confess that I don’t like the feeling.

I believe this control issue can be a spiritual problem. To truly enjoy “amazing grace” requires abandoning control, giving up the “at home” feeling of being in charge, allowing honest neediness to creep into my soul. Earnest emptyhandedness is being “poor in spirit”. There lies a prime qualification for being nourished by the Holy Spirit and receiving spiritual help.

We who major in giving care must be especially sensitive to this challenge — by giving a lot we may lose our capacity to graciously receive because we become so used to being in the driver’s seat of giving. The secure position of giving becomes a comfort zone not easily given up.

A physically challenged woman at our Care and Kindness Conference told me that decades of living with an irreversible condition has been an on-going lesson in how to be on the receiving end of care. “It isn’t easy,” she said, “being helped, needing assistance, not being independent.” Always being on the receiving end, she was implying, kills something vital to balanced living. She needed help but constant need sapped her soul.

Care-givers need to hear this cry. We need to stay on-track delivering what is needed but carry high sensitivity to the ordeal of those on the receiving end much of the time. We can find ways of giving that preserve the spirit and dignity of the recipient.

The best way to fine-tune our “giving reflexes” may be to search our own souls to assess how we feel when allowing gifts to come our way. Regular openness to the uncomfortableness of letting another serve us or care for us — even asking for it, may groom us spiritually in positive ways.

Certainly, inflexible entrenchment in the role of giving is dangerous. Giving all the time is not good. The meekness of empty-handed receiving is essential for followers of Jesus, and everybody else as well.

Maybe Jesus’ example when anointed with costly perfume can help us. He meekly accepted what his disciples rebuked as wasteful. He took the gift and honored the giver. His spirit was lifted and she experienced the joy of giving. The most gracious gift-giver of all was also a humble receiver.

Dr. James Kok is Director of Care Ministry for the Crystal Cathedral Congregation of Garden Grove, CA. He has been an ordained minister of the Christian Reformed Church of America for 35 years. He speaks extensively throughout the United States and Canada. His hands-on work as a pastor has led to a profound understanding of the issues and dynamics of personal grief and human suffering on which he has written and spoken at length.

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